It seems everywhere I turn, someone–in a seminar, a book, a sermon, a blog post, a conversation–asks me what my dreams are. Big dreams. Where do I want to be in two years? Five? Ten?
I used to be able to answer that question without hesitation.
Now I freeze. Panic.
I don’t have an answer.
Seven years ago, my world changed forever. My daughter passed away. For two years I felt like I lived underwater. Never quite able to find things or remember what I needed or wanted to do.
I hated it. Longed for the day I would get back to normal. When birthday cards were ready a month before they needed to be mailed. No piles cluttered my desk. I followed a schedule for marketing and cleaning baseboards.
Today, seven years after Kimberly passed away, I still feel lost much of the time. The person I used to be, the me I knew and was comfortable with, is different. Not so organized. Forgetful. Easily distracted.
I waited for God to put the broken pieces back together into what I knew.
What I saw as the best version of me included accomplishment. Completed To-Do Lists. Constant activity. I knew what my dreams were and how to get them.
I expected God to bless each and every dream. After all, I served Him. I loved Him. I knew He loved me. Therefore, He would do whatever was on MY list. My dreams were my Future To-Do List.
In the last seven years, God showed me His plans were not the same as mine. He doesn’t need my To-Do List. His plan is a To-Be Plan.
And it isn’t a list. Lists are neat and tidy. They line up. Each item crossed off as it’s completed successfully.
God’s To-Be Plan doesn’t make sense to me.
It’s messy. Every time I think I can cross something off, I realize I still haven’t mastered it. Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-Control. Something happens, and I don’t respond with any of those. No matter how hard I try. If I do show love, I can’t cross it  off my list of things to do, and think I’m done for the day.
My own effort can never grow this fruit. The fruit of the Spirit belongs to God. They are His character. His very being.
Only when I surrender to Him, allow His Spirit to transform me, can I bear His fruit.
I no longer have to panic when I don’t have a concrete, To-Do List answer about my dreams. I trust God to transform me day-by-day using His To-Be Plan.
Can you let go of your To-Do List and embrace His To-Be Plan?
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This is so good Debbie. I can’t imagine the pain you’ve experienced but I do know that pain changes us. I remember a time of saying that I just wanted to return to normal. It never happened. Right now, I’m going through another one of those hard spots in life with a family member and I’ve been pondering how my lists, and all the work I put into getting each item crossed off, are sometimes an escape to keep me from feeling too deeply. Seeking God for answers in this very abnormal place He’s allowed me to land and I do believe that He wants me to adopt a “to-be” plan moving forward. Thank you so much for sharing from the heart and God bless you dear one.
Patti
Thank you, Patti. I, too, often use work as a way to keep me from feeling too deeply. It is so much easier to try to take control rather than sitting at the feet of Jesus and letting Him gently comfort and lead me to the high places. Praying God holds you close as you follow His To-Be Plan.
Debbie, I love your heart for the Lord and your obedience to share Him with us… Being a former “list maker”, until God showed me a different plan, His Way, faith.. trust.. I can relate.. So thankful to be now, on His journey, as He completes the work He began in me.,,
Thank you, Janet. Yes, He will complete the good work He began in you. . . and me. He is a faithful God who sees us through His eyes of grace and love.
Debbie, your words so resonated with me. Feeling I’m in and out of the underwater, panic, freeze, have no answer stage in life often leaves me paralyzed. Your words of encouragement have graced me to return to the to-be lists and to let go of the to-do….to a place of intimacy and total dependency on the ONE who holds my future. So many heart matters and loss pressing me down. Looking unto the ONE who holds and molds. Counting gifts along with you. Returning to my journals and love words…thank you.
Thank you. Praying you will feel God’s peace that passes all understanding as you trust Him to transform you. I find counting gifts to be one thing that helps me fix my eyes on Him instead of me and my circumstances. You may also like the book Shattered Dreams by Dr. Larry Crabb.
I love this, Debbie! It confirms once again that being on the “to be” track is exactly where God wants me to be. Having been a “to do-er” all my life, it is not always comfortable and surely not predictable; but, in the eyes of our Lord, our Master Potter, it is good and right and that is what matters. Thank you so much for your vulnerability and heart for Him! I am greatly encouraged.
Thank you, Lynn. I know how hard it is to wait for God. I so want to be the one who figures out what He wants and do it instead of letting Him work. I think this will be a lesson it will take me the rest of my earthly life to learn, but true peace and joy come when I trust Him.
This is a lesson I struggled with as a mum to young children. Every day, I would run out of hours before I ran out of tasks, and my husband was forever reminding me that it wasn’t about what I could DO in a day. My kids just needed ME. I’m still working on it because it goes against every natural instinct I have, but there were days when I would write on my calendar the word “BE” just as a reminder that God looks on the heart and is much more concerned about who I am becoming in Him than about all the check marks on my list.
Oh, Michele, what a great idea, writing BE on the calendar as a reminder that god looks on the heart. I like to put a verse or quote in a frame on my desk to help keep my eyes fixed on Him, and I’m going to change my current one to this one word: BE. And as I think about my one word, I’m adding BE to my list of words to ponder and pray about for 2017. Thank you.
A great message. I think that sometimes we feel that we need to know His plan for us. But, I believe there is comfort sometimes in “not” knowing the plan. Just know that God is in control. 🙂
Thank you, Mimi. I don’t think I have ever been wise enough to be comforted in not knowing God’s plan. But I am comforted in who God is. I do know He is in control, and His plan is for good, but the living out of that is a challenge for me. It requires my surrender, which is exactly what God wants of me. Knee bowed, arms raised, hands open to Him.
Debbie, I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious, beloved daughter. I can’t fathom your grief, or this sense of disorientation….knowing things are not as they were. Such depth of loss really shines light on what is important, and it is not the lists. No doubt you gave your heart and soul in loving your daughter. It wasn’t about a list, I’m sure. The relationship you shared can’t be quantified. ANd that is the beauty of what you are sharing here . . . God wants longs for us to be in love with Him, to just be with Him. All the doing in the world, all the striking out the to-do’s on our endless lists cannot equate to our loving and being loved by God. I’m so very sorry for your daughter’s loss here . . . and yet I know you treasure knowing that she lives and IS with God. She is knowing an endlessness in eternity that defies what we can even imagine here. I pray God truly comforts you with that truth. Thank you so much for sharing your heart so vulnerably.
Love
Lynn
Thank you, Lynn. Grief was so unexpected for me. I knew from the moment I heard Kim passed away, she was in heaven, worshiping God. I didn’t know what to do with the grief for a very long time. What I love about God is He redeems everything…even my not understanding grief was OK. As God continues to work in my life, I too often still fight against the changes He wants to make in my attitudes and actions, even as I claim I want to be His servant. Reality is not always pretty as it happens, but the result is worth the short struggles.
I have no words. You are an amazing woman, Debbie. I honor you and praise God for your beauty and courage–your willingness to be laid bare for the sake of others.
I am so sorry you have gone through the pain of losing a daughter. That’s not the way we expect life to go, is it? You are so right, though, to look to God for His plans…to trust His plans, rather than ours. I’m right with you when I don’t know what to say when people ask me what my dreams are. Like you, I used to know. Now I haven’t a clue. One day I think I’ve got it all together and the next day I’m mulling over my plans gone awry. But, thankfully, I have a loving God who who has incredible patience with me! He guides me each step of the way and I’m trusting Him for whatever He has in store. Thanks for sharing, Debbie!
Thank you, Joan. Plans gone awry…God uses those. And yes, His loving patience helps me trust Him, even when I feel lost and unsure of what to do and how to do it. Praying as you mull over the unexpected, you will know God’s peace and feel His love, even in the midst of the unknown and unfamiliar.
I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine the hole in your soul and heart…
Debbie, thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry for your loss. How can we not be changed..forever..life is not the same. Yes, His plans, are not my plans. We think because it’s something good, that God will bless it. But He alone knows what our past, present and future is like. He has plans for us, good plans. May we surrender “our plans” and trust in Him. It’s not easy and doesn’t happen in our timing, but His. HUGS Debbie.