Twenty-three years – it seems like it was yesterday. Like I am dreaming.
Sometimes the pain of losing her is as fresh as the day she died in my arms. The doctors were telling me I needed to go back to the hospital where I was a patient. They said I needed my rest. I had a fever.
But I wouldn’t/couldn’t leave.
I HAD to stay. I knew.
I KNEW the end was near.
And it was.
She died in my arms.
I was the last one to hold her until they finally took her away.
And I sobbed. I still sob.
I penned these words in my journal June 12, 2015. Exactly 23 years after my daughter, Amy, died in my arms. Amy lived outside my body for 4 days. She lived just under my heart – worming her way deep inside it – for more than 9 months.
It was a difficult pregnancy, in and out of the hospital, multiple tests; there was nothing easy about it. I knew from the day I got pregnant that something wasn’t right.
I never said something was wrong, only that it wasn’t right. I couldn’t bring myself to say the word “wrong.”
Almost 24 years later I still grieve, but in a different way.
It is interesting how life experiences affect the way we view things. Because of my time with Amy I learned to appreciate EVERY minute. I’m not saying that I ALWAYS do that, but I have learned what is important in this life. I’ve learned where to place my value and where to put my time.
Loss and grief taught me that.
This month, here on the Consilium blog, we will be focusing on grief. As you know, the Consilium Community is for women 45 and older…our age group has a lot of experience with grief. Death of children, spouses, parents and friends.
Our prayer is that these posts will help equip you to walk through the valley of grief, but not get lost there. Not get stuck.
Our writers will share personal stories. How they coped, what they learned, how they walked through the valley and came out on the other side.
We’d love to hear your stories. Please share them and your thoughts with us in the comments each week. And know that the writers here at The Consilium are praying for you as you walk the path before you.
Latest posts by Mary Bonner (see all)
- Learning and Growing from Grief - March 1, 2016
Grief is a teacher. And a healer. Mary I am sorry you had to say goodbye to your precious little Amy. May the Lord’s comfort continue to be yours until the day that you are once again in each other’s arms. He is faithful.
Thank you, Kelly. Grief is most definitely a healer as well as a teacher.
Mary, thank you for sharing this in such a way that we are reminded that grief is not a point in time, but a process — a journey. I am carrying with me your admonition to appreciate every moment, and Diane, thank you for this series. What a wise use of media, for it is not only helping those who are currently grieving, but equipping all of us for the inevitable journey so that we can comfort one another in wisdom and truth.
Today, I was reading( Job 13:15 ) Lo’ though He slay me,yet will I trust in Him and I will reprove my ways in His sight.
When my Mother had her heart attack and Gall bladder explosion. (March 11,2004 ) this was the verse I read that am not knowing she was laying in a bed Emergency room. My stepdad came and got me I stayed by her side up until they took her to have a triple by-pass she threw a blood clot and they had to reopen her and redo the bypass, by this time she had died several times on the table, She was in a coma for 2 weeks and died via starvation and thirst. I thought it was the worst days of my Dash Living. Today I look at her picture she was newly turned 69 ( Feb 6, 1935— March 25,2004 ) and I still grieve for her. No we never get over what we can never get over, nor can we understand what we can never understand. Yet we press on in Christ Jesus awaiting the Upper call and not the Under Taker.
I am a retired Family Service Counselor and also a female Pastor have dealt with death on many levels from still born to 100 plus.
Yet I shall never get used to it and therefore I pray you comfort today and always.
I write about Living Life As It Happens ( on my personal Face Book Blog )
(Weebly ) http://livinglifeasithappens.weebly.com/
I am migrating over to Word Press soon, my hearts desire is to write a PDF on this gift of Living Life in Our Dashes
My sister is Christine Malkemes ( Of The Yielded Heart )
I thank you for your words of grief and wisdom gained.
Johnnie Bruce