I studied her small, wrinkled hands. Their roughness testified to the fact that these eighty-five year old hands had worked hard through the years. I rubbed them gently, hoping she could feel the love flowing from my hands to hers. Glancing out the sliding glass doors, I watched the geese swimming on the small pond. The reflection of the trees on the water was fading with the sun. My brothers and sister-in-law were hovering quietly, waiting. Soon it would be time for me to move, and let Wayne say his good-byes.
My heart was breaking. I had so much to say, so much I wanted to tell her. But the lump in my throat blocked all the words. Even if I could squeeze them out, would she hear me? Her first dose of morphine had left her unconscious.
The long, wooden dining table had been replaced with her hospital bed. She would have wanted it that way. Her special spot was at the table, watching the hummingbirds feed and the antics of the squirrels. So many meals were shared there. Memories were written in every stain and scratch of the light oak. But no more. Silently I waited while the oxygen machine screamed disapproval at me.
Click, hissssss “You sssshould have been here more.” Click, hisssss “You sssshould have come home more often.”
How many times had Mama waited for me to come home? Now, filled with regret, I silently waited for her…to go home.
I walked the few feet into the kitchen area to warm our supper. It may be a long night. We would need to eat. Bebe and Wayne were bedside, talking softly.
“Look, she’s smiling!” Bebe said.
Wayne called to me. I hurried over, expecting to see the smile on Mama’s face. But instead, this:
“She’s gone.”
“But…how do you know?”
“Because, darlin’, she stopped breathing…”
And just like that, the waiting was over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Regret consumed me after Mama died. Ever so slowly, Regret’s hissing voice turned into condemnation.
“Why didn’t you go home more? Why did you always rush through your phone conversations with Mama. They were just something to check off your to do list. You should’ve done more for her. You were never there for her.”
All too quickly after the death of a loved one, the world returns to normal. My heart ached, but I had to do normal things like go to work each day, grocery shop, attend church. Thankfully, one of the habits I had developed over the years was daily time in prayer and God’s word.
Each day, I continued to plod through my grief and the scriptures. I read devotions on grief. I know as Christians we grieve differently than those who don’t have the hope of Jesus. And yet…my grief didn’t subside, and the voice of criticism increased. Finally, one day I stumbled across this familiar scripture in Romans:
So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1
In my grief, I didn’t realize the hissing voice was the enemy of my soul, wanting me to wallow in regret. The evil one didn’t want me to rejoice in my Mama’s life and remember all the good times we had. He wanted me beaten down, too grieved to share the hope I have in Christ. No more. After reading that scripture, I put on the armor of God and began to do battle. I fought with the sword of truth – God’s word.
Slowly, ever so slowly, over the weeks and months after Mama died, His words saturated my soul. Slowly, my grief began to lessen. Words from the Psalms comforted me:
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
Oh, yes, my spirit was crushed. But the Lord is near to my broken heart! He will save me from my grief!
Ps 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Oh, how my heart was broken. But His Word bound all my broken pieces together. He splinted my broken heart and spirit with a cast of His love.
Is there a loss that’s left you feeling broken?
Don’t be crushed under the landslide of guilt and regret. Be buried in the truth of God’s word!
Latest posts by Ellen Chauvin (see all)
- From Crushed and Broken to Healed and Whole - March 15, 2016
Thank you for sharing the truth of Romans 8:1. This has been my go-to verse and my heart’s consolation since July when we moved my mum into a care facility after five years in our home. I have heard that quiet hissing voice telling me that I could have done more, could have endured longer, should have kept her with us longer. There is nothing I can do — no amount of visiting or kindness to my mum — that will silence that voice. Thanks be to God that His Words of Truth do that for me.
Oh, Michelle! I understand your heartbreak! But we cannot continue to beat ourselves up. That is what Satan wants. But God’s truth – you’re right! His truth silences that voice! Amen and amen!
Oh my goodness Ellen. Tears sting my eyes today. I know you miss your sweet mama. Sharing your heart today has reminded me how much more I need to enjoy time with my mom. Life is just too short.
Your message of healing will resonate with many. xxxooo
Yes, ma’am, Carmen! Life is indeed too short! But it’s never too late to throw the voice of regret to the side of the road, and listen to God’s truth. Thanks so much for your kind words today, my friend!
Ellen I can relate – although my mother is still alive at the young age of 81 (soon to be 82 on 3.27). I make it a point not to rush or hurry when we see each other or talk. She had me at age 16 and that is another story for another sermon. Bless you sweet lady for sharing.
Daria, treasure those sweet moments with your mom! And I would love to hear your sermon/story!
Ellen,
So grateful God’s Word promises to be close to the brokenhearted and He is and He was there for you as you listened to His voice of love and truth. Thank you and may God continue to comfort you whenever the grief returns.
I’m so glad you visited to Dolly! Yes, indeed, He is the God of all Comfort. His banner over me has been love throughout the grieving process! Thank you for your encouraging words.
Such a hard and transparent post, Ellen. I so appreciate your words. May God bring you peace and release from any guilt. And may He use your post to help many navigate the hard road of saying goodbye to loved ones. Tears flow as the truth settles on me that life is short. Bless you!
Thank you for your sweet encouragement Joanne! I appreciate you. Our God is faithful, and He indeed used my grief for good!
Imam with you. I so understand. I watched my momma breath her last as my sister said. Momma tell Jesus I love him. God wored was the only thing keeping me from falling into the throes of depression.
Oh, Christine, I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, His word can heal, refresh and encourage. It was also a balm for my grief, allowing me to grieve, but gently urging me to move forward when it was time. {Hugs} to you, sweet sister!
This is so beautiful and honest! Thank you for sharing this brutiful part of your story!
Thanks for sharing your story. I think we all have regrets and guilt when we lose someone. My mother died in 2010 and I remember how wrenching it was for a very long time. Praying for your memories to be clear and filled with love!